Hello and welcome back to GothicCast with me, Gothicc Hel. You know, I never really talk about this, but I am bipolar. I also have autism and ADHD and PTSD. Being bipolar is actually the hardest part of them all, because, you know… Uh, being autistic is just part of who I am. I’m not really sure how that affects other people.
It affects me, cause I’m awkward as fuck. I am so awkward. But, when it comes to being bipolar, that is definitely the worst goddamn part of being me. Cause, yeah, you know what bipolar is. You know how bipolar… Works, I suppose. And, just assuming that everyone knows what bipolar disorder is, I’ll just jump right into telling you about how it affects me.
You see, when I was unmedicated and untreated for it, I remember having some really bad depressive episodes. I’m not gonna go there, cause I don’t wanna bring down the mood, haha. As if it hasn’t already been brought down somewhat. Anyways, I’ll talk more about my mania and how it affected me. People sometimes think that having mania is a good thing.
Because it gives you a lot of energy, it makes you happy and giddy, and you think you’re the best and you can do anything. Well, it’s not really fun. It’s not like drinking a cup of coffee or even five energy drinks. It’s more like being on crack and speed and cocaine all at once. You think you are God.
You think you can do anything. And I seriously mean anything. You think that. There is, there are no consequences to anything you do. “Yeah, spend all your money. Get that credit card, get yourself in debt, it’s fine, you can just earn that money back.” Hey, spoiler, idiot, you can’t earn that money back, that money is gone.
Other things that you may do when you’re manic, or, you know, like me, I have bipolar 2, so I’m hypomanic, is risky sexual behavior, and I’ll try to not go too in depth about this, but the things I have tried to do and have done while hypomanic, speaking about sexually, It’s just insane. I have put myself in actual danger multiple times because I had a horny brain.
Do you know how stupid that is? I’m not talking about post nut clarity, by the way. Absolutely not. I am more talking about, “oh my god, I am now in a stranger’s apartment halfway across the world. This person obviously said that they are dangerous not to follow them home and I am currently out of cash, I don’t have my phone, I don’t have anything cause he stole everything and locked it in a safe.”
But this is fine, right? It’s still fun. Post nut clarity, ha ha! I’ll tell you a story about something that I did when I was hypomanic. It’s relating to something sexual, so a little bit of a content warning, I guess. Anyways, I made a profile on a certain site and uploaded… Uh, unclothed pictures of myself there. No face was involved, and I would display myself as someone that anyone could contact and meet up with.
Of course, I thankfully never met anyone, but, you know, a young, beautiful woman, posting… Undressed pictures of herself online and saying, “Hey, I’m free for all, let’s meet! And I actually invited strangers to contact me and I’m like, “Yeah, sure!”
It’s kind of dangerous to invite strangers to your home. I didn’t actually do that, but I might as well have, and I’m glad I was smart enough to obscure my face. And by the way, don’t go looking for any goddamn pictures, cause they are not out there! Another crazy thing I’ve done while I was hypomanic was to think that I was a badass.
I was the toughest person ever, right? So, I got super drunk with one of my ex boyfriends. We weren’t even dating at the time. Like that’s how far back that was. anyways, I remember thinking I was Invincible, I was just the toughest fucker out there, and we met some, um, Let’s say he would do things that people in Breaking Bad do, And I thought it would be a very smart idea to draw a knife on this person.
And let me tell you, that was not smart. It was not smart. Thankfully, my ex managed to tell me that “you, um, let’s just go, just, um, it’s okay, fine.” So he talked the situation down, Which was a very smart idea, because holy shit, I could’ve gotten in. Not even trouble, I would’ve gotten unalived, actually.
And speaking of something like that as well, I have actually been arrested. Also, while being hypomanic. I’m not sure I want to go into details here. But let’s just say that I tried to run away from the police. I was not successful. Turns out hiding in a goddamn hallway while the police are looking for you, sitting under the stairs like a goddamn gremlin isn’t actually successful in escaping the law.
So I don’t recommend you try doing that. Most of these hypomanic incidences involved alcohol and undiagnosed mental illness plus no therapy plus no medication plus alcohol is a very bad combination. Who knew? And don’t get me started on all of the projects that I used to begin and just never finished or just abandoned completely.
I’m sure you can relate, even if you don’t have any mental illnesses. That is just normal human behavior, but for someone with bipolar… It is just facts, that’s just how it is, but in, in the moment, you have so many different projects that you, you love them, you want to do them, you want them to succeed, and you’re like, Oh, this one, I’ll finish this one, I know it, I will not abandon it, I will just go for it, no.
No, no, no. Sorry, sweetheart. That’s just not happening. You will absolutely abandon this project as well. You will get bored, or you won’t get results fast enough, and you will just quit, and then you will just… Not ever touch it again, and then you will move right on to the next goddamn project that you have, and you do the exact same thing over and over and over.
It’s just not healthy, you know? I’ve spent so much money on things that I was so certain would be like, the best thing, like a hobby I was going to have forever. There’s drawing equipment, there’s yarn, there’s painting stuff, digital art stuff. Well, fishing is one of the things that I still do, and do consistently, so yay me.
I also got a hunting license, cause I was telling myself that, of course you’ll go hunting, of course! No, not a single time, not a single fucking time have I ever gone hunting. And considering. And this is so funny. I love animals. I would never hurt an animal. I don’t know why the fuck I got a hunting license, but I did.
And I’m proud of it. You know why I’m proud of it? Because I finished something. I actually finished something. I tried to get a motorcycle license once, and guess what? I spent like, two thousand dollars. And abandoned it. I did not finish that. I didn’t get my license. You have no idea how stupid it is to spend so much money and not even finish it.
It’s dumb. The best thing I’ve ever spent money on while I was hypomanic was tattoos, actually. Even though… The first tattoo I ever got, which is a butterfly, it’s science, really pretty, I got it when I was 18. I got that by getting a credit card. The literal first goddamn thing that I got when I turned 18 was a credit card.
And I used… That money that I didn’t have, by the way. I’m getting myself a tattoo, and I still haven’t paid that debt Off. 10 years later, I still haven’t paid that debt off. I am in debt. I don’t know how much it is anymore, I don’t wanna look at it, because holy shit, that’s scary. Anyways, I am in debt over my first tattoo, because I did something stupid.
And speaking of tattoos, I guess I have gotten some stupid goddamn tattoos, because, well, I was hypomanic. It’s not really an excuse, but holy shit. I am gonna tell you something. Never ever get… Pop culture tattoos for the wrong reasons and getting tattooed because you Have convinced yourself that you’re somehow a fictional character and getting your body tattooed to more Resemble this fictional character is not a good reason.
It’s a dumb reason Yes, I really did think that I was the fictional character Harley Quinn. I am not joking. I was like, yes, that is exactly me I am Harley. That’s me. So I got a tattoo of the Joker on my goddamn arm and I got a Red diamond tattoo on my ass. Yep, that’s right. Right on my ass. And not only that, I got the same thing, but on my arm.
So I had three tattoos that linked me to Harley Quinn and the Joker. I may not be Harley, but I sure was a goddamn joke. I’m very glad to say, however, that I got those dumb fucking tattoos covered up, and I now have a little bit more of an actual personality instead of plagiarizing someone else’s. And I think part of the reason why I got better, I know the reason why I got better, was because I am now medicated and I went to therapy.
And if you are struggling with anything and you think maybe you might be bipolar or you have some kind of mental illness, I recommend that you go to therapy as well. It’s very helpful, and there’s no shame in getting help, especially when you’re struggling like I was. I was goddamn out of my mind, and I didn’t even know it!
I’ll probably be telling a lot of crazy fucking stories like this, but this was just part of the things that I have done in my life. I hope that you’ll stick around for the rest of the fucking weird things that I do, and I’m thanking you so much for listening to me and my weird ass fucking life.